“Don’t write angry” is a motto I try to live by. Along with not driving angry, not leaving voicemails angry and not loading a dishwasher angry—you’re just going to break your nice glasses, and that helps nothing come morning.
Now though, I’m writing this in the aftermath of Election Day, so yeah, I’m writing angry. But my words will be scrutinized and edited by several people—starting with the title, most likely. This is The Daily Beast though, so hopefully, they’ll just leave it as “If You Haven’t Left Twitter Yet Then F–k Right Off.”
(Editor’s Note: Sorry, that didn’t quite pan out.)
My piece will be stripped of anything libelous, racist, bigoted or factually wrong. I can’t, for instance, say I have it on good authority that Elon Musk dissects live bunny rabbits for fun. Or that JD Vance wore a Nazi SS uniform on a date with my sister when he was in college. As angry as I can write, it will not be “published angry.”
Twitter, on the other hand, is designed to publish angry. (I’m not humoring the name change. I never will.) Twitter’s lifeblood today is libelous, racist and bigoted rants, spewed by shameless liars. It’s owned by a soon-to-be trillionaire who grossly overpaid for the privilege of pushing his own caustic untruths at a rate of his choosing; a man more than a few have compared to a real-life James Bond villain—only I would argue he’s not even one of the interesting, clever ones like Blofeld or Goldfinger. Just one of the creepy one-and-dones. More bleach-blonde Christopher Walken than cool, ‘70s Telly Savalas. But I digress.
This same man—and this is the truth—played an essential role in getting Donald Trump re-elected.
So why are you still on Twitter? It’s so easy to leave! Go into your account settings. Tap the “More” button on the left. Select “Settings and Privacy”. Click “Deactivate your account.” Enter your password. Click “Deactivate” again. Done.
“But, but, but… It’s how I get my news.”
No. It isn’t. At best it’s how you get your opinions re-enforced by like-minded people you follow because they tell you what you want to hear. At worst, it’s how you are lied to by anyone from a Russian bot to the soon-to-be President.
“But, but, but… I’m not really giving Elon money. I didn’t get the blue check mark, and I don’t watch the ads.”
How dumb do you think I am?
“But, but, but… It’s not even political for me. I’m just there for a laugh.”
You expect me to believe you’re not also on TikTok and Instagram? Get your funny dog videos there.
“But, but, but… I have a presence. I need it for work.”
Your podcast maxed out with 1300 followers. You’re not going to be famous. Move on.
“But, but, but… my Twitter crushes…”
Grow the f–k up.
Friends, Americans, Countrymen-and-women… You’re better than Twitter. As the dying light of democracy flickers in front of us, we’re understandably left flailing for a flashlight with working batteries, or a way to tilt the wax and nurse the flame back to life. I’m giving you a free and easy way out of the darkness.
And guess what? It’s win win! Leaving Twitter will actually make you happier. Less anxious. Less frustrated. Think of the lost hours you’ll retrieve. I’m not even asking you to put all your tech away and go outside and become part of the world again; I’m not insane. I’m still uncomfortable in a waiting room or on a stalled subway train because I can’t not be on my phone. But I have retrained my brain. Yes, it was hard for a couple of days, but now I open a language learning app—Je deviens assez bon en francais, merci! Or I doodle in a painting app. Or I do a crossword. Or I read a poem. There’s a million better things you can do on your phone.
Oh, and get rid of your Tesla too. There are so many better electric cars out there.
PS: If you found this article being shared by The Daily Beast on Twitter, then I would say… Just enjoy the irony. And then get off Twitter.
