Last night the waiter came over and told us she was there to assist us in our dining experience. She then asked if we’ve dined with them before. No, but I’ve been to 100 places like this. Tables, chairs I get it.
Then she explained that some of the menus were for wine and others for food. OH! I thought these were racing forms. I was going to bet on Alaskan Cod in the third race.
She asked if we wanted “Sparkling water or flat.” Just give me the free shit. You used the tap water when you cook, right? Then why shouldn’t I drink it?
Don’t just give me the money options and make me say, “Tap is fine.” I understand one is free and the other is $12. Don’t pretend you’re not selling me water.
OLD SCHOOL TRICK
We pulled that scam 30 years ago when I was a waiter. I’m not kidding you. I’m old enough to have been at the beginning of this short con. I was working at a fancy restaurant in Manhattan. One of the waiters rushed up to the rest of us so excited like he discovered fire or how to descramble scrambled TV. “Just offer flat or sparkling. Like tap is not an option. That will bring the checks up.” Brilliant! I was in the dining room where it happened.
YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE
I remember one waiter in West Hollywood was so casual that I wasn’t sure if he was taking my order or I was taking his. It was like he didn’t want us to think he was our waiter, even though he was our waiter. Like he was this cool guy who knew a nearby chef. By the end of the meal I handed him a check and he left with my date.
People in LA never want to say the bad news out loud. I’ve been fired. Many times, I didn’t know it. I’m still not sure. “Was I promoted? They said they loved my work and they love me, but then I had to get my things out of the office. Am I getting a corner office or fired?” It’s fired. It’s always fired.
It’s like when someone let’s you down too easy. Are you hitting on me? It sounds like you want to sleep with me but you’re leaving with the only coffee maker.
WHY WE LIE
We aren’t upfront with each other in LA. Maybe it’s to protect the other person or so they won’t hate you. In New York we tell you like it is in a direct (and harsh) way because we think honesty is polite. In the South they do the same but add, “Bless her heart.”
Here’s a guide to know what people really mean in Hollywood.
-
“Your meeting is at 11 AM.” = “Come at 11, get you a bottle of water and sit until noon. At noon you will start getting nervous that your boss won’t think you’re at the doctor anymore.”
-
“We will think about it and get back to you.” = “We will not and we won’t. Use that door.”
-
“It’s a web show” = “No pay.”
-
“I’m just out there pitching shows.” = “I’m not working.”
-
“We’ll keep your resume on file.” = “You didn’t see the door? I just alluded to it.”
-
“I’m not suggesting this, I’m just letting you know it’s an option.” = “Do this.”
-
“Yes.” = “No”
-
“I need a ninja/rock star PA.” = You’ll be doing Producer work at a PA rate.
-
“I love you.” = “We’re friends but I don’t know your last name.”
-
“Do you need your parking validated?” = “Do you need your parking validated?”