As much as we might worship fictional characters, their usefulness as gurus is limited by their being, you know, not real. James Bond has no opinion on the price of eggs. Elle Woods can’t actually give you legal advice. Carrie Bradshaw can’t fix your relationships (she couldn’t even fix hers).
But if any fictional characters could be said to be real, it’s the Muppets. Miss Piggy actually exists, not as an actor but as herself. Sure, she’s piloted by one, but she’ll never lament her loss of identity in a society that can’t tell the difference between her and her character. And she does have advice, as outlined in Muppet Press’s 1981 Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life.
Okay, so Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life was actually written by National Lampoon’s Henry Beard, but he perfectly captured both her spirit of and advocacy for unhinged confidence. She may stick to the shallow end of life — beauty, fashion, dating, etc. — but she never succumbs to Cosmo-style conformity.
For example, she insists that “beauty is being yourself,” and in fact, many of her beauty tips consist of “Don’t do it and have a snack instead.” See: her hair tutorial, which is a recipe for a cake the reader should make and then eat after getting their hair done by someone else. Even addressing a topic as serious as mental health, she suggests making sure you’re not experiencing a “form of depression caused by an unfulfilled longing for a certain food.” Her fitness recommendations include shopping, posing in the mirror, and “cover pull-ups” (i.e. naps). If you still don’t like what you see, she advises plunging headlong into delululand, reminding the reader that “cameras do lie.”
While most of her social life suggestions are inadvisable, she actually does have some good tips for making small talk at parties, such as introducing people to your clothes (“This is my latest hat”), getting other people talking by asking them questions like “I think the center of the earth is filled with mayonnaise — what do you think?” and if all else fails, spin the bottle. Chaotic? Yes. But an undeniable good time. It’s with that same zest for unflinching mayhem that Miss Piggy continually advocates for direct communication, asking for what you want and threatening violence if you don’t get it.
Sucker punching someone who fails to buy you a gift might be frowned upon outside Muppetland, but it speaks to the tenets of the Tao of Piggy that we could all stand to consider more. The first is the importance of saving your energy, whether that means getting others to cook for you or refusing to eat artichokes because they’re too hard.
The second is celebrating yourself, literally in the case of never letting anyone forget when your birthday is, but also remembering that money isn’t everything and to include your “million-dollar sense of humor” in your assets during an otherwise bleak budgeting session. After all, “it is your job to be looked at, listened to, fed, and thanked.” She’s talking about being a party guest, but it applies equally to the rest of your life.
That’s important to remember when it comes to Miss Piggy’s greatest value of all: no regrets. Regarding whether you can be in love and “still not be vulnerable,” she’s clear: “It’s impossible. You must take risks, and oui, you can suffer terribly… faint heart ne’er won fair frog.” That’s… actually good advice. Thank you, Miss Piggy.
