WASHINGTON—Promising to end what he has called a “war on public health” by the federal government, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee to oversee the Department of Health and Human Services, vowed Monday to ban all soaps that smell so good you eat a little. “Big soap companies have been poisoning and deceiving American consumers for decades with these aromatic soaps that really, really convince you a small nibble might actually taste good,” said Kennedy, who promised to declassify all hidden government data about how soap scents like blackberry sage and summer citrus can entice you to lick a corner of the bar, even though it ultimately just tastes like soap. “Insiders have been peddling the lies that these apple cinnamon soaps aren’t dangerous, but I know firsthand how bad they actually taste. There has been a war on America’s taste buds perpetrated by these companies that lie to you with delicious smells that sometimes even drive people to take a second bite just in case the first one wasn’t big enough to really get the flavor. They dress up these soaps in enticing colors and make them smell like delicious pumpkin pie without ever telling people what they do to your body. And this goes for all fruit-scented candles, cleaning products, and markers.” Kennedy added that while he plans to crack down on misleading soaps, lotions like coconut that would obviously taste good because they are made with natural ingredients will still be considered safe.
