I’m a child of the water. The smell of chlorine induces nostalgia and the sensation of liquid engulfing my body feels as natural as breathing. This is a consequence of growing up in Florida, where swim lessons were an inevitability and swim team was the natural extension of that.
Swimming laps gives you ample time to contemplate. There’s little else to do, and thinking becomes a welcome form of escapism. And even in those early days of practice, I remember feeling the water flow past my face, and the sound of bubbles drowning everything out, and thinking, “Why am I going back and forth all day. What even is the point?”
Yes, I understood implicitly that this was part of training. But stepping back, it all felt so silly, like I was caught in an aquatic infinity loop. If I were swimming to escape something? Sure. Or to get across a river? Great. But down and back and down and back? It felt so pointless.
This logic isn’t unique to swimming. In basketball, bounce a ball up and down the court, throwing it into a basket, only to do it again. In golf, you spend hours just walking, occasionally hitting a ball with weird stick — and for what? Just write down your score and brag about it to friends?
Well, yes, in fact — that is part of the deal. There’s so much more to sports than just shooting a ball into a basket. At the end of all this noise, and crazy yelling in the bar at some game on the TV, are human relationships, and what they mean to us.
Philosophical origins of the love of shared things
Aristotle wrote of the many types of philia, which is one of the four Greek words for love. In Nicomachean Ethics, philia described as the basis for friendship. It has levels to it. The first is based on transaction, such as my long-standing relationship with my handyman. This is the weakest form, but still something. The second is based on the satisfaction brought to each person in the relationship, and all that comes with it. The third, and highest form, is the sharing of religious faith or a shared quest for a virtuous life.
This third tier can also be expressed through a shared love of some activity, which becomes the basis for deep friendship and even healing.
For all my juvenile bellyaching over swimming, some of the most important friendships I have were formed on those pool decks. The difficulty of the endeavor was uniting, and something only we could understand and relate to.
You don’t have to do the sport to get the benefits from it. A study led by psychologist, Dr. Daniel L. Wann, found that team identification provided a meaningful source of wellbeing and satisfaction in life. It also helped fill a key need of group belonging.
For example, my brother-in-law is a deep and long-standing LA Dodgers fan. Half the time I see him, he has an LA hat on. He can recite every stat and knows all the good and bad seasons for the team. Years ago, after his parents separated, his mother eventually remarried a doctor. And just by chance, that doctor was also a massive Dodgers fan. This shared love made the difficult transition of an adolescent into a new household dynamic so much easier.
His stepfather, being of well means, was able to get them great seats to games. They both knew the team inside and out. And it was from this central starting point, that they began building their relationship into one that thrives to this day. You’d assume they were loving father and son if you saw them together. And that’s exactly what they are.
Remember stories like this the next time you see people losing their minds over a game on TV, or when you question why someone spends a third of their income on season tickets to a game. These things are deeply meaningful, and can be for you too.
Dr. Bruno S. Frey led a study examining the causal relationship between sports and happiness. On a 10 scale, they found that “sports active” people were a 7.442 in happiness while “non-sports active” people were a 6.868 on average. This includes people who merely spectate.
I find these activities particularly useful if you have a busy career and personal life, that are quite demanding. Spectating or participating in sports completely takes you out of your normal frame of thinking. If you’re trying to catch a ball, you aren’t thinking about some bill you need to pay, or the ongoing fight with your neighbor. The activity feels like a psychological sanctuary in the moment, where you are connecting with your body, or another person.
My dad gets this same benefit out of surfing:
Dad surfing.
The waves and trying new tricks is a rush and thrill that is meditative. He does it with a few military surfer friends and nothing brings him more joy.
Converting the non-believers
I’m aware that many of us loathe even being near a television with sports on it. Remember that this same approach can work with other activities.
Laura and I recently went and played board games with a few neighbors we just met. Initially, I was hesitant to go out. I was moaning and groaning about leaving the house. My inner introvert was rearing his head and making me difficult, but I finally gave in. Then, we got there, and I didn’t want to leave. We played games with a fun group of new people, and each game was more interesting than the next. We’re still talking about that night and plan on doing it again.
This is the big idea. The triviality of the “thing” is what enables the human connections.
One group of men are bonding over their love of shed work, by creating a group called the Mulhuddart Men’s Shed. Most of them spend their time on woodworking projects, building birdhouses, benches, and flower pots. They trade notes and get helps with tools. And all of them report tremendous satisfaction out of the activity. This solitary hobby has now become a team event.
Rewiring sports cynicism
I used to roll my eyes when I saw a bunch of old men in a hotel lobby analyzing a football game, trading opinions on why their quarterback was or wasn’t the solution to all their woes. I cynically scoffed and wondered if either of those men had thrown a football in their life.
In reality, they were doing exactly what they were supposed to. The act of talking about a game, watching it together, and debating the problems — is no different than two woodworking aficionados trying to figure out why their hummingbird feeder keeps collapsing. It’s no different than my brother-in-law and his step-father playfully debating over which pitcher should be starting.
Just as Aristotle proselytized the true power of philia, and the shared love of the things, we should gaze out at those near us — and notice what they love. Consider if these things have the potential to grow on you, and become meaningful activities that you not only adopt, but embrace and bond over.
Here on Medium, we are a community of readers and writers. In my nearly five years here, I’ve noticed a trend towards introversion among us. Many of you don’t skew sports fanatics — which is why I’ve written on this subject. I want you to step out of your shell, and try something new. Let it be a hobby, craft, or a sport your spouse is obsessed with. Open your heart and mind to becoming a fan.
My partner is fanatical about horse riding (jumping, specifically), and can watch horses run in circles leaping over barriers for days. It’s not a sport I have a natural affinity for, as I have a general life safety rule that I don’t ride other animals. But I’ve learned enough about riding to sit, watch, and not be completely miserable. I do it not because I’m bound to try it. I watch because of what it does for Laura and me, and our relationship.
Embrace the potential of bonding over a sport or activity. Yes, they can seem silly, illogical, and pointless. But quite often, that is precisely the point.
