OAKS, Penn. – With only three weeks to go until election day, former President Donald Trump attempted to appeal to young Pennsylvania voters by sharing his new Spotify playlist that was “inspired by my good friend Diddy”, rather than answering question about his policies or voter concerns at a recent town hall.
For 40 minutes, Trump wiggled awkwardly on stage like that weird uncle at a wedding who’s had one too many drinks as his playlist, which featured 47 different versions of Ave Maria, gently lulled his audience to sleep.
“I love Ave Maria,” said Trump to his comatose crowd. “It’s such a beautiful song. The best song, really. I once met a man who said he’d never heard it before. I said, ‘are you kidding me?’ Great song. Written by a great American. Franz Shu … shoe .. sh … doesn’t matter, I think he was a Jew. It’s also public domain, did you know that? Public domain. That means Talentless Taylor Swift can’t sue me for using this beautiful, patriotic, and most importantly Christian song. I really do hate Taylor Swift.”
At the end of the playlist, DJ Trump played Y.M.C.A. by the Village People to wake everyone up just in time for one more question—which he refused to acknowledge, insisting they all should just listen to more renditions of Ave Maria that he uploaded on his iPod. Apparently, there’s no time for questions when you’re 101.9 Snooze FM’s number one disk jockey.
“I went to this town hall because I wanted to learn more about Trump’s concepts of a plan,” said Caitlin Drake, an undecided voter. “I don’t even know what happened in there but I’m more confused now than I was before. I do feel rested, though. That’s nice.”
Critics on the left criticized Trump for refusing to take questions from voters when he and his running mate, J.D. Vance, have been on a recent media blitz blaming Democrat presidential nominee Kamala Harris of the same behavior. However, Trump’s supporters, on the other hand, praised the spray tan aficionado on his ability to make classical music cool again.
“I didn’t even like classical music before Trump started playing it,” said Geoff Jansen, a lifelong Republican voter. “I mean, it still really bores me, but if Trump says it’s awesome, then I think it’s awesome, too, because I can’t think for myself.”
It’s uncertain if Trump’s spur-of-the-moment musical escapade will hurt him or help him on election day, but one thing is for certain, he’s probably going to take credit for Ave Maria’s inevitable spike in popularity amongst his most devout—even though the song was first composed in 1825 and has been a staple in classic music ever since.
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