‘Twas the night before Christmas and all ‘cross the state
The temperature had fallen to a muggy 78.
***
And at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, well after dusk
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Musk.
***
All a-snug in their rooms, for a long nightly snooze
Unless Pete Hegseth came knocking with booze.
***
The entire Trump clan, the whole “ganze mishpocha”
Were more than content, even the Carlson named Tucker.
***
RFK Junior, dreamed of tasting a panda
Or looking for varmints to eat on the veranda.
***
Tulsi Gabbard was assumed to be deep in her slumber.
But was whispering in her room to a Moscow phone number.
***
Lara Trump wished herself in a U.S. Senate corridor
And thinking, “Maybe I oughta learn something ‘bout Florid-er.”
***
In the next room, Kimberly Guilfoyle was making plans for Greece
While Don Jr. was dreaming of his imminent release.
***
So much contentment from all those on the make
Except for old Donald, who was restlessly awake.
***
It bugged to him sit there alone and not sleepy
He needed a crowd to praise him quite deeply.
***
Or to sell Bibles, cologne and some golden shoes
This solitude was giving him the YMCA blues.
***
Where’s Vivek to be a rapt audience for his “weave”?
And why won’t Fox News return calls on Christmas Eve?
***
And what about Melania? More morose than vibrant,
And harder to track than a border-crossing migrant.
***
Trump was so bored, he nearly searched under beds
For those top-secret docs well hid from the feds.
***
Then he heard a sound so strange and unique
That he went to the window to have himself a peek.
***
The moon in the sky gave a luster like snow
To the lawn in the back the foreign-born mow.
***
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But an object that was airborne and growing quite near.
***
It was a sleigh with eight reindeer and a driver alone.
For a moment he thought, “It’s a New Jersey drone!”
***
But it was Santa, Trump saw, and, oh, what a sight,
As the sleigh clipped the flagpole, nearly invisible at night.
Opinion: Santa doesn’t sit in meetings all day. He’s not getting credit for my work.
***
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came.
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name.
***
“Now Dasher, now Prancer, now Comet and Vixen.
Here lives the guy who’s far worse than Nixon.”
***
The sleigh landed swiftly, on the roof with a skid.
And Trump gave a warning, yes, that’s what he did.
***
“Santa, that bag of yours is bursting with foreign-made stuff.
It’s time you were tariffed, America has had enough.
***
“You take us for fools, as if we don’t care.
It’s time you North Polers paid your fair share.
***
“You’re globalist scum, not an America-first chooser.
Now, get off my roof, you #NeverTrump loser.”
***
Santa gave a laugh while ignoring Trump’s screed,
“I got you this book, something you should read.
***
“Don’t worry. It’s short, and has lots of pictures.
It’s all about tariffs and foreign trade strictures.
***
“Instead of carrying on like an uniformed jerk
You might as well learn how tariffs really work.
***
“And once you learn tariffs, I’ve got another for good measure:
A lesson book about NATO, an alliance you should treasure.”
***
“I know it all,” Trump said. “Just ask my staff.
I aced a cognitive test, picked out the giraffe.
***
“And now I’m the king, the most loved in the nation.
Especially once I get rolling on mass deportation.”
***
Santa interrupted, “I have no time for boot-licking.
I’ve got work to do and the clock is a-ticking.”
***
Trump was offended by Santa’s verbal epistle
And he warned the old elf to expect a Trump missile.
***
“You’re a woke socialist, Santa. And one day you’ll learn.
Bad things will happen to you my next term.
Opinion: What do I want for Christmas? Relief from the guilt of telling my kids ‘no.’
***
“I’m emptying the prisons of my violent Jan. 6 crew
And they’ll trash your workshop like a Capitol coup.
***
“And then I’ll call my FBI minion, the patriot Patel.
Who will specialize in making your life a living hell.
***
“Then, I’ll sue you and drain you of all your life savings
While I Stephanopoulos you with a barrage of court ravings.”
***
Santa sighed, “Oh, well,” he said. “I’ve fulfilled my role.
If I thought you wouldn’t like it, I’d a-given you coal.”
***
Claus perched on his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
***
But he sure did exclaim as he rode out of sight.
“Thank God for term limits, and to all a good night.”
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Network-Florida, where this column originally appeared.
You can read diverse opinions from our USA TODAY columnists and other writers on the Opinion front page, on X, formerly Twitter, @usatodayopinion and in our Opinion newsletter.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Tracking Santa to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago: Tariffs and all | Opinion
