WASHINGTON – Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, has finally found a way to save the American people trillions of dollars and it doesn’t actually require cutting veterans’ benefits, Medicare and Medicaid, or firing thousands of hard-working government employees.
As a matter of fact, these savings only require cutting a singular line item from the budget, an innocuous expenditure titled, Saving Matt Damon’s Ass.
“It’s no surprise the U.S. government has spent a metric fuck-ton of taxpayer dollars bringing Matt Damon home from some of the most austere environments in the universe,” said Patrick Tollman, a government fiscal analyst. “We tasked an entire army unit to fetch him from European battlefields in World War II, kept astronauts in space for almost an extra year after he got lost on Mars, sent another military unit to get him after his Blackhawk was shot down during the Gulf War, and we had to rescue him again from Iraqi warlords during Operation Iraqi Freedom. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
According to documents released by DOGE, the U.S. government has spent roughly $2.3 trillion saving Matt Damon since 1988.
“It may not seem like much money at the time of rescue, I mean, what’s a few hundred billion dollars in the grand scheme of the U.S. government’s budget,” said Tollman. “But those numbers add up and, the more popular he gets, the higher his profile, the higher risk his rescues are going to be. Say what you will about DOGE, but this cut will save the American people a lot of money without putting other services at risk.”
Unfortunately, despite the fact cutting Matt Damon relief efforts will nearly put the United States budget into the black for the first time since 2001, the Trump administration has no plans on reinstating the other programs he’s cut in an effort to reduce costs because, well, he frankly doesn’t give a shit about any of us.
“The president doesn’t like to look wrong,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “So, we’re still going to cut all those lifesaving programs and blame Sleepy Joe Biden, the worst president in this country’s history, for all of Trump’s easily avoidable mistakes.”
As for how Matt Damon feels about all this, we couldn’t reach him for comment. According to his staff, he’s currently lost at sea, being hunted by Poseidon for allegedly blinding a cyclops by the name of Polyphemus. His team also said they have the utmost confidence in Damon to outsmart the God of the Seas and find his way home to his wife Penelope where he will then need to murder the suitors squatting in his home, trying to knock boots with his old lady.
“We’re talking about Matt Damon here, people,” said Chaz Copperbottom, Damon’s publicist. “He was a CIA special operative, a weirdly out of place white mercenary warrior who fought on the Great Wall of China, and a South African rugby player. Do you really think anything will stand in his way of getting home? He will succeed. He will never stop. Even if it takes twenty years and costs the lives of his entire crew.”
Will we ever see Matt Damon ever again? That’s uncertain. However, what we know for a fact is that the U.S. government will not be helping him out of this current predicament.
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