It’s been a gloomy old year, often reflected in this space – so maybe it’s time to inject some festive cheer with an exciting new Swiftian parlour game: Fantasy Football for Fascists (FFF). Ideal for dictators, autocrats, strongmen, neo-Stalinists, far-right nationalist-populists or just students of geopolitics, it’s fanatical fun for all the family!
Under conventional fantasy football rules, imaginary teams are composed of real-life players from the Premier League. In FFF, the principal players are typically politicians and public figures who exhibit extreme totalitarian tendencies. Leading FFF teams include Donald Trump’s Mad Angry Geezers Athletic (Maga) and Vladimir Putin’s Greater Russia United (GRU). China has the Xi XI.
As a handy introduction to the game, the Observer imagines what might happen if they competed against one another at an FFF World Cup. Host venues include Tiananmen Square, Riyadh and Charlottesville.
Fantasy Football for Fascists World Cup 2025: Knockout stages
Taiwan Town v Xi XI: This war-like clash was played out not on grass but on Taiwan’s beaches and sea approaches. The winner-takes-all neighbourhood derby, dramatised by Xi’s aggressive hype, ultranationalist chants, flags and anthems, saw the outnumbered underdogs’ last-ditch defensive line disintegrate under an invasive Chinese high press. Dive-bombing headers by veteran left-wingers Mao Z and Deng X gifted Xi’s XI a 2-1 win in injury time.
Ukraine Freedom Fighters v Greater Russia United: The spook-led GRU, playing away to Kyiv’s finest for a third straight year, again failed to secure victory on the field. V Zelenskyy’s heroic defenders were reduced to 10 men early in 2025 after midfield dynamo J Biden was stretchered off with a head injury and there was no adequate substitute to replace him. Power-crazed GRU hacker V Putin was red-carded for persistent foul play by top UN referee António Guterres. Extra time being played.
Land of Israel v Persian Wanderers: Bitter opponents with a long history of enmity, both teams gave away penalties for violent play and were warned about touchline punch-ups. The contest was eventually called off after Palestinians in the Temple Mount Stand complained Israel had moved the goalposts (again). After a VAR review, officials sitting in The Hague said Israel’s hardline head coach, B Netanyahu, and deputy strongman, Y Gallant, were wanted for questioning. FFF season-ticket holders identified as B Smotrich, I Ben-Gvir, B Assad, M Salman, A Khamenei, T Erdoğan and A Sisi received life bans for hooliganism.
Little England v Federal Europe: Playing at Farage Memorial Stadium atop the white cliffs of Dover, England struggled to follow a game plan devised by mercurial right-winger B Johnson. In an eccentric tactical approach, all 11 players retreated to their own goalline, closed their eyes, sang Land of Hope and Glory and made V for victory signs. Goals by M Barnier, Ursula von der Leyen (2), A Merkel and E Cantona saw Europe run out easy 0-5 winners. Johnson was later replaced by midfield maestro K “on me ’ed” Starmer, who vowed to rebuild the team (and the country).
India Post-Imperials v Pakistan Academicals: The biggest grudge match of the 2025 FFF finals was also the most unusual, with both sides preferring to play fantasy test cricket. Led by India’s high-handed spinner, N Modi, and Pakistan’s nationalist-populist all-rounder, I Khan, the teams bowled rather than kicked the ball and indulged in racist and religious sledging along Kashmir’s line of control – for five days. Match postponed.
Bad Korea v Good Korea: In this nuclear-charged face-off, Bad Korea dictator Kim Jong-un’s bellicose lineup was weakened by the absence of key players, said to be enjoying a holiday in Russia. After surviving an early barrage of explosive near-misses, Good Korea Spurs star Son Heung-min blasted the ball into the net like a rocket. Kim went ballistic as a rout ensued. The entire Bad Korea team was executed after the game. Final score: Bad Korea 0, Good Korea 9.
Fantasy Football for Fascists World Cup Final 2025. Venue: Mar-a-Lago Laager, Florida
Mad Angry Geezers Athletic v Rest of the World XI
After a pulsating start to the final, Maga took the lead when right-winger Steve Bannon escaped his police marker and fired a shot past Rest of the World ’keeper Justin Trudeau (with an automatic assault rifle).
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In a sensational burst, Maga scored three more times while the Rest of the World team were in the changing rooms on a tea break. Their protests that it was half-time were rejected by Maga player-manager, D Trump. He said: “I make the rules now. Suck it up, losers!”
The second half was a different story. T Carlson, R Giuliani and J Bolton were booked for claiming VAR is a deep state conspiracy. M Pompeo fluffed a penalty, shooting wildly to the right. Maga hearts sank further when health tsar Robert F Kennedy Jr failed a drug test.
The Rest of the World’s tiki-taka tactics finally paid off with five quick-fire goals. Trump completed Maga’s misery, scoring a last-minute own goal under pressure over his disastrous global trade tariffs, illegal migrant expulsions, abject surrender to Russia and Middle East meddling.
Complaining of a sore ear, Trump was substituted late on by JD Vance – but that only made things worse (for everyone). Final score: Maga: 4 (Bannon, Melania, Ivanka, Hulk Hogan), Rest of the World XI: 6 (Messi, Ronaldo, D Tusk, T Swift, D Abbott, D Trump og)
Golden Boot Memorial Award: Alexei Navalny
