How Have We Not Had A Canal Boat Simulator Yet?

I enjoy being an anorak. Give me a train or a historical reenactment to look at, and I’m at peace – and boy, do I love me a farming simulator. But there’s one thing anorak-y I’ve always loved above the rest, and that’s boats.

I’ve always daydreamed about having a canal boat, but that idle dream has now turned into an active plan to take the plunge and live aboard one as soon as I can afford it. I’ve been reading books, watching Canal Boat Diaries, and scouring Facebook for the perfect boat, but in my fervour, I’ve discovered something incredible: there isn’t a single decent canal boat simulator.

Boats have always felt like the only choice to me. I’ll never be able to afford a house, and thanks to epilepsy I’ll also likely never drive a car, so living aboard a boat combines having a home with getting out and exploring the country.

Other realms of anorakism have their sims. Farming Simulator has my heart now and forever, and the setups Train Simulator and Flight Simulator hobbyists build for the maximum realism and immersion are spectacular. You’ve even got slightly more eccentric ones coming out of Germany all the time, like Bus Simulator, Street Cleaning Simulator, and Crane Simulator.

Bringing The Canals To Everyone

A particularly important part of this is providing a record of the areas surrounding the canal. Just like those who meticulously recreate their favourite train routes in Train Simulator, giving those without access to the canals a way to experience them is so important. This desire to show people the waterways is why you get shows like Great Canal Journeys being renewed for countless series, and writers like LTC Rolt and E Temple Thurston providing accounts of the canals that are republished almost a century later.

Though things are certainly better than they were 50 years ago when the canals were almost entirely abandoned, they’re still largely managed by volunteers and charities. Letting people see what the waterways have to offer, even digitally, should be seen as a vital piece of conservation. If you want to keep interest in heritages like canals and trains, you need to meet audiences where they are, and right now, that’s in games.

In an industry currently in the chokehold of wholesome, cosy games where vibes are more important than thrills, a narrowboat sim would be a slam dunk. Traipsing through the countryside at four miles an hour, quietly passing other boaters as you explore the villages and locks that surround the network. Slapping on a podcast and heading up the Telford viaduct feels like a no-brainer that hasn’t yet been realised.

Give us the ability to customise our boats, too. A big part of the appeal of boating is making your home your own. Filling it up with brass ornaments, choosing paint jobs, and playing Tetris with all your amenities inside would probably take up more time than spent actually travelling the canals.

It’s more than just pastoral vibes and a pretty boat, though. Games like Farming Simulator and Train Sim World thrive on their realism. Instead of rendering a billion Tyranids in Space Marine or the whole solar system in No Man’s Sky, a s imple, well-textured bolt in some metal sheeting on the side of a barn is enough to be appreciated. They’re slower games that demand you come at them with an open-minded curiosity for even the most mundane of things, making narrowboating the ideal fit.

Boating, Warts And All

I want the hard work and nitty gritty of life on the cut. I want to manage my fuel and electricity, have to remember to empty my toilet, untangle my propellers, and, of course, tackle huge flights of locks. There’s always the risk of mechanical failures that need fixing aboard the boat, and also the trials that come with sharing a canal network with hundreds of other people, like locks left open or collapsed walls. Contending with other boaters, obstructions, and shallows is what makes a journey worth it, and not including the day-to-day difficulties of living on the water would do a simulator a huge disservice.

Whether it’s someone recreating the Ptolemaic War in Total War: Pharaoh, driving the 14:15 to Twickenham on Train Sim World 5, or simply trying to marry the cute doctor in Stardew Valley, simulation games have always been where eccentrics go to indulge in their anorakism.

My special brand of this just happens to be the one thing that doesn’t have a sim yet, despite it having a huge amount of potential. If anyone is going to take to an obscure sim game, it’s the people who openly call themselves ‘gongoozlers’.