Instant regret: why is the UK still addicted to the worst kind of coffee? | Coffee

Name: Instant coffee

Age: 135 years old

Appearance: A jarful of dirt

Instant coffee? Come on, aren’t we better than that? We are most assuredly not better than that. Instant coffee is the fuel of the nation.

Which nation? One that hates itself? I’m specifically referring to the UK, so the answer to your question is yes.

Are you about to present me with a miserable statistic? You know me so well. The UK is apparently the instant-coffee capital of the world, with a whopping 54% of us choosing to drink it over traditional coffee, compared with a measly 39% in the rest of the world.

Only 54%? That’s barely more than half of us. Suck it up – it still counts. Aside from a handful of pretentious stragglers, the UK loves nothing more than dissolving granules in a mug.

But why? It tastes horrible. People don’t drink coffee for the way it tastes. They drink coffee because their lives are simultaneously boring and overwhelming, and the only way they can get through it is to stimulate themselves with caffeine, whatever way is quickest.

But it’s a pale imitation of coffee. So what? All coffee tastes disgusting. People literally have to train themselves to enjoy it. Doesn’t it make more sense to get it over with as quickly as possible by pouring boiling water on to some granules, rather than watching the stuff drip into a mug over the course of several minutes?

I don’t understand your point. My point is this: would you rather die by a million paper cuts, or would you rather get your head taken off quickly by the back of a shovel?

I don’t know! Shovel? There you go. You’re an instant-coffee fan too.

So that’s our national character? That and we’re notorious tightwads. We’re also the country least likely to pay more for coffee that is fair trade certified.

Any other reason we drink so much instant coffee? Well, if you must know, we don’t drink as much coffee – any kind of coffee – as we used to. Boomers used to drink three cups a day, while Gen Z only manages two.

Do we know why? Not really. It could be due to rising prices, or it could be a general unwillingness to copy their elders. Or maybe it’s because we as a society have started to realise that coffee is awful. Who knows?

You’re very anti-coffee. Rightly so. I like to get my energy the natural way, by squeezing some fresh lemon juice into a glass of room temperature water.

I hate you so much. I know, I deserve it.

Do say: “Not before I’ve had my coffee.”

Don’t say: “Which won’t take long, because I can’t make it properly.”