John Oliver returned to The Daily Show on Monday night with a mission: To gloat.
Oliver surprised audiences by walking out onstage behind host Jon Stewart during a discussion of President Trump’s recent abuses of power.
“Jon, the prodigal son appears to have returned,” Oliver said (sarcastically) to elongated cheers. When Stewart asked if Oliver had come to “offer America your wisdom and counsel,” Oliver was clear: “Oh no, I am here to gloat,” he said. “America had its little fun, experimenting with democracy. You fought so hard to get away from us, acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor, you still owe us for that.”
Oliver was the senior British correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart between 2006 and 2013 before heading to HBO for Last Week Tonight. He previously returned in 2023, when Ronny Chieng was hosting.
“You were going to be different, you weren’t going to turn out like the mean old dad that was horrible to you growing up so we sat back. We let you spend your wild teen years, experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances because deep down we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you’d be back,” he continued. “Let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations everyone, you can take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever Babar the elephant was the ruler of, I forget.”
When Stewart told Oliver that America might not be ready to “go full empire,” Oliver said: “Don’t fight being a monarchy, embrace it. Kings get shit done. Is it stuff you want done? Not necessarily but they do move quick, they taste cumin at lunch and take over entire an continent by dinnertime. That is how the British roll, Fuck everyone else, they’re ‘Not Like Us,’” the latter a reference to Kendrick Lamar’s hit diss track, which recently won several Grammys and graced the Super Bowl halftime show.
But, Stewart said, things didn’t end up perfectly for the Brits and their empire.
“First of all, how dare you? We are technically between empires at the moment but we’re keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet,” Oliver said. “Imperial model isn’t for you? For a country that doesn’t want to be an empire, you’re doing a pretty fucking good impression right now. Invasions, economic exploitations and now suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been like ‘I don’t know guys, feels like the situation is a bit more complicated than that and I’m literally dying of medieval brain disease.’”
Eventually, Stewart caved. “We really have become our father,” he admitted.
