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A clear message has emerged from the White House in Washington: street names that mention John F Kennedy must be changed worldwide – including in Luxembourg.
Editors’ note: Gotcha (hopefully). Yes, this article was our April Fools joke and we can confirm that there are currently no plans for any streets in Luxembourg to be renamed after US President Donald Trump.
It wasn’t long ago that US President Donald Trump made headlines with his comments about the assassination of one of his predecessors, John F Kennedy. Trump appears to believe that Lee Harvey Oswald fired the fatal shots but questions whether the alleged assassin had any unknown assistance.
Almost all documents released
The current President is not alone in this view. Even more than 60 years after the JFK assassination, many Americans still believe he was the victim of a conspiracy. Following Trump’s instructions, his administration recently declassified around 88,000 pages of digital documents related to the Kennedy murder. Some of these documents were first made public in 2017, but certain files had been withheld by the CIA and FBI for security reasons.
President Biden also declassified additional pages, meaning 99 per cent of the files are now publicly available at the National Archives in Washington. Around five million documents, photographs, videos, and artefacts are now accessible. “The people want clarity, they’ve been waiting for decades”, said Trump in Washington.
After thorough analysis by specialist historians, it is now 99.99 per cent clear that Oswald acted alone on 22 November 1963. This could mark the final closure of the JFK file, according to the White House in a statement. Anyone claiming otherwise would be spreading alternative facts.
JFK street names to be removed
With the Kennedy case now “finally solved”, Donald Trump has issued a directive to change the names of streets worldwide that bear Kennedy’s name. “Many boulevards were named after Kennedy simply because of that assassination, not because of his great politics”. said the US President on his media platform, Truth Social. Therefore, it is time to close the chapter on the past, and in the future, all of these streets should carry his name, Trump demanded.
This surprising decision, to be implemented as quickly as possible worldwide, has caught many off guard. It is expected that the initiative from Washington will face significant opposition. Specifically, every locality must now check and count how many streets are affected.
Removing and recycling old signs, ordering and installing new ones will take time and incur costs. It is not expected that Washington will cover these unforeseen expenses in municipal budgets, though cities have the option to submit requests for financial support to the US capital. After all, each country has the freedom to design its own street signs, and how much each nation spends will be up to them. RTL’s graphic designers have already drafted an example of such a sign in its natural environment.
Just like the ongoing debate surrounding the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico, digital data will also need to be updated for all affected streets. This means Google Maps will face a significant challenge, as every town with a JFK street will need to request the change from Google. Controls will be carried out in the near future when cars with special cameras on their roofs are sent out again. RTL’s graphic team has already considered how Boulevard Kennedy in Kirchberg will be represented online in the future.
Sanctions and consequences
Simultaneously, the US government’s statement includes a clear warning that penalties will be considered for countries that refuse to implement the JFK initiative. Alternatively, forced purchases of Tesla and X shares are being considered.
The wishes and will of the US superpower must be respected, just as they respect all other nations. A SpaceX rocket from Trump’s advisor Elon Musk will soon send a satellite into orbit, equipped with a special scanner to detect where Kennedy street signs have already been replaced.
This will allow an assessment of how many cars Google will need to send out afterwards. Cities and towns are instructed to email photos of the new street sign installations to Washington, where they will be added to a special photo gallery on the White House website.
Countries and municipalities that oppose the new directive will have to prepare for diplomatic tensions. As Trump’s predecessor, George W Bush, once said, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”
In the same breath, the White House also announced that New York’s airport will be renamed Donald J Trump Airport. The international JFK designation will now become DJT. However, there is still no agreement on the new title for the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida. Elon Musk is said to be hopeful on this matter.
