Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.
One of the best ways to build a relationship is to waste time with someone. —The Little Prince
The kids are finally asleep.
Galit and I collapse onto the couch on the balcony, treating ourselves to a little luxury—a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream. (Everyone knows that there’s never enough cookie dough in Ben and Jerry’s, which is the best part of the ice cream.)
We dig into the ice cream, and suddenly, a huge surprise appears: a massive chunk of cookie dough, the size of my hand! We’re so thrilled that we spin an imaginary story about how this happened.
We imagined a factory worker named Jenkins who, whether by accident or not, put too much cookie dough in and, as a result, got called into the manager’s office and was fired. And then his wife left him. And on and on.
This pointless conversation went on for about half an hour. We were fully immersed in playfulness, with no real purpose, just enjoying ourselves.
The randomness of the conversation helped us break free from the usual logistical talk about the kids. It was a direct deposit to our friendship account. Since then, “Jenkins” has become a character in our lives and a kind of secret code word that reminds us not only of that evening but also of our shared playfulness and friendship.
Remember those early days of dating, when you had endless time to talk about your pasts? About that trip to Europe, you took in your 20s? About that time you lied to your parents? About the songs you loved in high school?
In the early stages of a relationship couples spend a lot of time getting to know each other; mixing philosophical, romantic, and psychological talks with humor and flirting. But as years go by and children are born, the partnership takes over the relationship, and suddenly there’s no time to talk about anything except logistics, kids, finances, and work.
There’s no time to just talk.
Yet one of the best ways to deepen friendship is to “waste time” with someone—yes, intentionally wasting time. “Purposeless” conversations are the opposite of problematic relational efficiency. They are a way back to friendship, to playfulness, to imagination, to laughter, enjoyment, and curiosity.
Carefree talks create a relational reservoir full of playfulness, silliness, and even outrageousness. They expand your relational world with new images, stories, memories, inventions, and synergistic creations that will enrich your relationship and serve as shortcuts to intimate friendship. Their randomness strengthens the playful, silly dimension that’s so crucial for relationship freedom.
As a couples therapist, I work hard at helping couples infuse their relationship with play to strengthen their friendship. This is no silly matter but serious relational work. After all, play is the lubricant of a relationship and a key ingredient in enriching the friendship within it,
Not used to just talking nonsense?
No problem.
There are simple ways to foster meaningless conversations and fill up the relationship reservoir:
Set a time and place. For couples who aren’t used to hanging out as friends, it helps to schedule time to do so and put it in your calendar (yes, yes, it may not sound romantic, but it works). Both of you stop everything, pour a glass of wine (or whatever treat you like), put on some background music, and just chat. Start with five minutes once a week and see how it goes. This is intentional time for “silly talk.” Let go of heavy or “adult” topics like logistics, politics, or the kids. Just flow with whatever arises.
Talk about anything and everything. Discuss whatever pops up. Water, air, the carpet. “Have you ever noticed how soft this carpet is?” or “Why do we look up more often than down?” Just let your thoughts wander. Go with what feels right in the moment, and allow yourself to speak without a point. If the topic feels silly, that’s the point. If you need some prompts, I gathered 50 silly questions here to get you started.
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Don’t get attached to what you say. Since these conversations are meant to be lighthearted, you don’t need to be attached to what you’re saying. If your partner changes the topic, it’s no big deal. Stay playful and avoid getting defensive or aggressive. It’s about staying fluid, spontaneous, and present.
Find code words or tags. Once you finish one such playful session, choose a relational code word or phrase that encapsulates the moment. It acts as a shortcut to your shared reservoir of fun, something you can tap into during rough times when you’re tired, hungry, or cranky. It reminds you that the playful connection is still there, and that you can return to it whenever you want. For example, my wife and I have “Jenkins”. What could be yours?
When you take the time to enjoy purposeless conversations, you’ll find they are, in fact, highly valuable, efficient, and meaningful in nurturing your relationship. The nonsensical time builds a strong foundation for a deep and resilient connection.
As the Little Prince suggests, there’s a special value in “wasting time” together. The next time you’re ready, just let go, have a “purposeless” chat, and see where it takes you.
Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate, and co-director of The Potential State.
