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Donald Trump is threatening to sue any American who calls the burgeoning recession “the Trumpcession,” “the Trump Slump,” “Orangecession,” “the Dotard Downturn,” “the Mushroom Man’s Bust,” or “the Syphilitic’s Stagflation.”
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Elon Musk has now been bullied off 6 different online video games.
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Trump reportedly wants the military to drive 79 nuclear missiles down the streets of Washington D.C. for his birthday parade in June, one for each year he has been alive.
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A Chinese official was caught on a hot mic exuberant at Trump’s tariff backtracking: “‘Liberation Day’ turned out to be ‘Back Down Like A Bitch Day.’ He’s just bluffing, and now the whole world knows it! His diaper must be very soiled! What a glorious day for China!”
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Trump’s economic strategy is basically a 10-year-old yelling out, “Psych!”
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Trump reportedly wants to invite Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin to his birthday military parade in June for a meeting of their “Dictator Bros” club.
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The biggest losers of Trump’s tariffs against China are his own fans selling and buying cheap, Chinese MAGA hats to show their support for him.
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Fox News hosts are relieved Trump canceled most of the tariffs because they were about to make their kids drop out of school to go work in a shoe factory to gin up support for Trump’s trade war.
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Kim Jong Un is reportedly telling his propaganda minister to study the tariff commentary on Fox News from this week and implement some of their propaganda innovations.
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Trump just announced he’s directing the Federal Reserve to create a new currency called “Trump Bucks” that will now be sold concurrently with Treasury bills, and give him personally a 10% transaction fee as well as a 10% name licensing fee.
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Eric Trump says he “actually loves” working in the screw factory now, and says the manager said he might let him drive a forklift tomorrow.
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A White House whistleblower says most countries did not beg Trump for a deal, and instead told him to “read an economics book,” “change your diaper,” or “cut it out with these trade wars or we’ll release the Epstein files on you our spies have collected.”
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A televangelist in Kentucky claims “the gays” hacked his computer because “all the ads I see on websites are for gay swinger cruises, fist dildos, and LGBTQ dating apps!”
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The governments of Libya, Sudan, and Congo are reportedly sending a delegation to the White House to persuade Trump not to be so unstable and volatile.
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Local Republicans are upset Trump backtracked after they disowned their entire families arguing to the death that Trump’s giant tariffs against all our allies being permanent would bring back prosperity and make the US rich.
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Fox News is reportedly filming new Christmas season content that calls for a patriotic anti-consumerism because Trump’s trade war against China is likely to lead to empty stores by the end of the year.
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A local MAGA fan who broke down in rageful fits any time a Democrat called for fast food workers getting a livable wage is showing no recognition of the cognitive dissonance behind his support this week for Trump’s tariffs raising the prices on everything.
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Trump is reportedly threatening Fox News if they ever acknowledge that we’re now in a recession.
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After decades of Republicans accusing Democrats of waging a war against Christmas, it’s Trump and his trade war that will leave Santa unemployed and ruin Christmas this year.
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Eric Trump reportedly just got fired from his job at the factory for knocking over the entire scaffolding storage system like dominoes with the forklift.
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Congress is considering exempting Marjorie Taylor Greene from an investigation into alleged insider trading amidst the tariffs because the more distracted she is with trading stocks the less time she has to give deranged floor speeches blaming Jews for the weather.
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A grocery store in D.C. has added a “Trump Tariff” surcharge at the bottom of every receipt with a picture of Trump as a monkey throwing his own feces.
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NASA just confirmed that the James Webb Space Telescope has finished scanning the entire visible cosmos for a third time, and can confidently confirm that Donald Trump and Elon Musk are still the whiniest little bitches in the entire universe. 🥃
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